posted 00/00/2009

Directed by:
Buddy Cooper

Matt Mitler ... Ed Jr.
Ruth Martinez ... Pam
Bill Hitchcock ... Ralph
Connie Rogers ... Sue

Country: USA
Runtime: 86 min
AKA: Fall Break

This film features the worst bunch of victims ever, but the kills are pretty great. Does that redeem the cheesiest slasher film ever made? Yeah, kind of. Imagine if Disney decided to do a slasher movie and hired all of their annoying tween actors to pretend to be friends and bust each other's chops with crappy jokes, all the while drinking beer and getting slaughtered violently and you'll have a pretty good idea what this movie is like. There, now you don't have to keep reading....oh, well, if you insist.

Young Ed wants to surprise his father for his birthday so while his mother puts the finishing touches on a birthday cake in the kitchen, Ed decides to open his father's gun closet and clean all of the guns for him. Of course this a bad idea and Ed accidentally shoots his mother in the back as she ices the delicious-looking cake that I can only imagine never got eaten. Years later, Ed is a regular kid with regular friends at a regular college. Except for the fact that they are the cheesiest bunch of retarded retards that ever lived does not impinge on the fact that they are regular kids on fall break. Ed gets a call from his estranged father, who went severely mental after his wife died, and is asked to close up their summer home for the winter. The dumb ass "cool kids" decide to spend their fall break (something I've never heard of) at the beach house. They pile into their convertible and the most insipid song ever begins to play over the credits. Guess what the title is? Give up? Fall "motherfucking" Break, which was the original title of the movie. Get it? Because they are on fall break, so it makes sense. So help me, I've never wanted to punch a song more in my life. The slasher fodder arrive at the beach house and proceed to drink and get stupider. Among the many things they are not aware of is the fact that there is a killer in the basement. We aren't sure if it's Ed's dad, and really who cares? Anyone trying to kill these wastes of space is okay in my book.

After dinner, one of the couples slip off toward the pool to take a skinny dip and get killed. We see some boobies and the deaths are nice and surprisingly gory. Meanwhile the surviving baboons decide to play the most idiotic game I have ever heard of. They call it Blind Man's Bluff. What is it? Well, it's basically like hide and seek but fucking stupider! One person stays inside of the house and turns all the lights off. The rest of the people sneak into the house after a minute and have to find the hidden person that turned off the lights. Oh, right and you have to drink beer while playing it for some reason! This takes up all of five fucking minutes of my life and then the game is over. I was expecting someone to get killed, but no such luck. However, a nosy copy gets his head chopped off so that's good. Then a long-faced idiot spends two minutes talking to himself in that cheesy kid movie way until the killer has enough of the guy and stabs him in the throat with a pitchfork. Well played, sir, well played. Then that doofus' girlfriend goes looking for him and she is killed in the most spectacular way. The killer drives a large fishing hook through her crotch and out through her stomach!!!

Ed and his whiny girlfriend who doesn't want to have sex with him find the body and freak out. They discover the rest of their slaughtered friends and the killer attacks! Ed is thrown to the ground but Pam, the whiny one, manages to get the drop on our hero...I mean the killer. They run to their car, but it won't start (of course) and they have to wait a moment, long enough for the killer to jump onto the back of the car, break through the canvas roof with his battle axe and try to strangle Ed. Pam gets the car running and manages to crush the killer against a wall, severing him in two. A cop arrives to help, but even in two pieces the killer has some fight left in him and he manages to chop the cop's leg off before he dies. Ed gets a good look at the killer and realizes that it was his dad all along! Damn, talk about carrying a grudge. Ed Jr. was just trying to do something nice for the guy for his birthday!

Yes this film had an annoying bunch of teens eating shit and getting drunk, but it still gets 3 coffins because the killer was fantastic. He was just a pissed off guy seeking revenge and was probably just as annoyed by those bastard kids as much as I was! Every time he killed one of those sour patch kids I cheered, and that's what a slasher movie should make you do. I recommend this movie for a party, where you can cheer along with the wonderful, inventive and gory kills and make fun of the dumb-as-rocks kids whose deaths will leave you jumping for joy. Also, that damn 'Fall Break' song is good endurance material. Feel free to use it to torture your movie friends with it!

- Jose Prendes


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