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OVERALL
BEASTS
BREASTS
Director: John Gulager
Writers:Marcus Dunstan & Patrick Melton
Cast---
Balthazar Getty ...  Bozo
Henry Rollins ...  Coach
Navi Rawat ...  Heroine
Judah Friedlander ...  Beer Guy
Josh Zuckerman ...  Hot Wheels
Jason Mewes ...  Edgy Cat
Jenny Wade ...  Honey Pie
Krista Allen ...  Tuffy
Clu Gulager ...  Bartender
Eric Dane ...  Hero

Runtime: 95 min
FEAST (2005)
   
   Being a filmmaker, I was intrigued by the premise of "PROJECT: GREENLIGHT", and never really
enjoyed the series until the third and final season when a luckless fat guy named John Gulager got the
chance to direct the monster fest that was the first "FEAST". I rooted for him throughout his hardships
and was overjoyed to find the film almost a year later in the stores. Little did I expect to find a
masterpiece. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, don't worry, I won't spoil any of the good parts.

   This film is as simple as it gets....well, sort of. A bunch of random people are spending their evening in
a shit hole bar in the middle of the desert. Each character (or stereotype, I should say) is introduced and
given a simple title like "BARTENDER", played by Clu Gulager, John Gulager's father and star of
"RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD" among other stuff. The rest of the all-star cast includes the amazingly
hot Krista Allen, the often-annoying Jason "Jay" Mewes, Henry Rollins, who is a surprisingly good actor
and the greatest character actor of all time, Judah Friedlander.

   But enough about the cast. The film begins right at the top when a man and woman burst in
proclaiming that everyone better get ready because a shit-load of monsters are headed for the bar. No
one believes them until the crazed creatures arrive, wearing animal pelts and feeling extremely horny.
So begins an intense night of survival as the group tries to stay in one piece and fight off the monsters. I
will pause here, briefly, for a well-deserved kudos for the makeup team. The monsters are not only
practical and not CGI bullshit, but are unique and freaky as hell. In fact, if this film had had some
boobies it would have been a Golden Coffin winner for sure. It gets one drop for breasts because of
Krista's excellent tank top and the A/C. Anyway...

   The unusually large number of humans in the bar means we are going to start losing some
characters, and the movie doesn't wait for character development to plod along before the gore showers
down upon us. Soon, escape plans are hatched and revenge against the creatures becomes the order
of the day. One character, Harley Mom (played by Gulager's girlfriend), ends up becoming bait by
accident and gets screwed in the mouth by a particularly enthusiastic creature. She does not come to a
happy ending. The film and the monsters do not let up until the sun rises, and even then there are a few
surprises in store which leaves the door wide open for the inevitable sequel that wouldn't have been so
inevitable if this film had sucked.

   I love this movie! I simply love it. No explanation is given for the existence of the creatures or where
they came from, and it doesn't really matter. You are swept away by the bold, breathless action and are
living moment to moment along with the characters. There is a ton of blood and puss and guts and
monster semen galore, making this one of the most splatterific movies on this website. The writing is
sharp, the direction is spot on, and the actors are great. This is as good as new horror films get, and I
am very happy to say I was there way back when it was all a dream and all it needed was a greenlight to
get made.

                                                                                                                  -Jose Prendes
BLOOD
Feast (2005)
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